


Does it Even Matter?

by Tien



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-17
Updated: 2012-06-17
Packaged: 2017-11-07 23:25:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/436593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tien/pseuds/Tien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which John Egbert realizes that there is more to one Karkat Vantas that meets the eye.<br/>Also in which he is a huge idiot and generally offends his best friend, but doesn't mean it and is pretty confused.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Does it Even Matter?

Dating Karkat is great. Karkat is great. Sure, there are tons of people who say the same thing every day. But you mean it, Karkat is great. Really great. He's everything you could have ever wanted in a boyfriend. Too bad it took you three years and a pretty intense argument to figure out you were ok with Karkat being a boy. Actually, you argue intensely about a lot of stuff. Heh heh. He sorta likes to yell, it's got to be his favorite thing. Anyway, besides all the shouting, Karkat's great. Has that been mentioned yet?

\---

John is a fucking moron. He's a great guy and all, but god damn is he thick skulled. You're not quite sure why you love this idiot. Is it his stupid smile? Maybe his eyes? Hell if you know. Maybe, it's actually his overly bubbly personality? Or…could it be that he's great? That realization may have just dawned on you in the past few weeks. But John Egbert could be the greatest thing that has ever graced you with its presence. This boy is an amazing gift. His brain could use some work, but he's still fantastic. Maybe you should back off a bit.

You're not perfect yourself.

Actually, you're far from perfect and there's a lot you don't like about yourself. Too much. It seems every single tiny cell in your body was done wrong. It's almost like the person in charge of putting you together was extra lazy and didn't bother doing it right when he got to you. That theory would work if you weren't created by yourself somehow. But the details don't matter. Shit is seriously fucked up with you. You used to think your blood was the only thing wrong with yourself. But after observing the humans and talking to them, you begin to see that there is more shit wrong with you than you ever thought possible.

\---

It's pretty awesome meeting the trolls for the first time. You've never been so excited in your life! That's saying something too, because you've been pretty excited a lot of different times. This isn't the same though, this is something you'll never experience again. Not many people get to meet cool aliens. Especially not cool aliens with grey skin and candy corn colored horns.

The first figure that catches your eye is Karkat, or, at least you think it's Karkat. He's wearing a baggy shirt, probably at least four sizes too big, he's practically drowning in it. It's actually kinda cute, but in a totally no homo way. Ha ha. You just met them after all. Besides you are still one hundred percent not a homosexual. After you catch up with Dave and Rose you gravitate towards Karkat. You wrap him in a big friendleader hug and notice how tiny he is. He feels malnourished and thin.

"Hey, Karkat, are you eating ok?"

"Yeah, why?" he asks back.

"You just seem really thin, really tiny."

He growls and replies, "Yes I'm eating just fucking fine. This is my normal weight."

You look at him, a bit concerned. "If you say so." He brushes it off saying you've just never been around trolls and that you're a lot different than humans.

Karkat is super fun to be around; he's moody and can shout at anything. You've never seen one being swear so much in a day as Karkat. He's a huge ball of energy. A huge ball of strangely attractive energy. Usually you don't stare at your bros, it's pretty much a number one rule of being bros, or so Dave says. Bros don't check out other bros. But you can't help it. His face is so different, his eyes, are different. They're big and golden, and damn does Karkat have great eyelashes. Like holy fuck, does he wear makeup? It wouldn't surprise you, not with how perfect his face looks. Is it strange to notice your best guy friend has adorable thin lips? Lucky for you, you often don't stare at those because they part to reveal really sharp teeth.

There are countless nights that you spend in your friend's room watching movies. He likes super sappy girly movies, it's really funny. But you humor him and watch the screen too, who knows, maybe you'll actually pick up some tips on how to get the ladies. Karkat seems to enjoy your company. The tiny troll thoroughly loves being around you, despite how much he bitches and complains about everything.

You start to feel that maybe, just maybe you're attracted to Karkat…maybe? It's odd, sure, but you're certain that there are exceptions for every rule. You're not a homosexual. You just happen to like your best guy friend. That certainly doesn't mean you're a homosexual. Does it?

Obviously your mind isn't meant to think this hard and multitasking becomes almost impossible. You step through Karkat's door while he's changing without missing a beat. Why would this be odd? It's just another guy changing right? You freeze and can't stop your eyes from wandering up his figure. His surprisingly curvy figure. His surprisingly attractive, curvy, feminine figure. As your eyes move upward you spot bandages wrapped tightly around his chest.

Karkat's a boy…right?

He whips a pillow at your head and screams at you to get out.

Suddenly you're not so sure.

\---

Humans are weird. That's all there is to fucking understand. They aren't born like your kind is. They don't start off as little grubs and pupate into their final form. In fact, they're born in their final form from the start.

It's actually pretty sad. What if they're stuck with a form they didn't choose since birth? That can't be good for them. What if something went wrong? What if the form in their brain doesn't match the form their body has? They don't seem to molt and their society seems to have strict rules on what is and isn't acceptable.

But…as you watch this human grow up you begin to wonder, maybe you're wrong and not them?

No, that's fucking stupid as hell. Trolls are better in every way compared to humans. Every way imaginable. You are reassured by this fact when one John Egbert crushes your black advances when he says he's not a homosexual. Can you fucking believe these ass backwards pukestains divide their love between gender lines? These stupid creatures actually give a fuck about gender. It's stupid.

You tell him he's stupid. Multiple times. He laughs it off.

But you can't help falling for the idiot. He makes your blood boil and you can't wait to strangle him, but something bothers you about what he said. On Alternia gender isn't a thing. No one gives a fuck and everyone is the same under the belt. That's how it should be. You do admit that your race, as superior as it is, still carries some traits from before the transitions. There are still feminine body types and masculine body types. Though they really do mean jack shit to anyone.

You look across the lab at the remaining survivors. Terezi, female, Kanaya, female, Gamzee, well technically he isn't present but whatever, male, and then there's you, Karkat, male. The only difference between you and Gamzee or hell Sollux, Equius, or Tavros, is the fact that you got 'gifted' with the feminine form. Which isn't too bad. 'Female' trolls are actually really strong, the form you have allows you to move swifter and attack stronger.

No one questioned you when they saw you, you said something along the lines of, listen up you bulgelicking parasites, I'm Karkat Vantas and your fucking leader. You can take your female pronouns and shove them up your ass when talking to me. Kanaya politely reminded you that it simply didn't matter, over trollian we said he and that's how it's going to be in person too. Everyone dropped it after that.

Sometimes you wish Kanaya was your Moirail. God she's perfect.

So over the course of the game your messed up body didn't present much of a hassle. Even your fucked up, mutated, worthless blood color went over better than expected. Things were running smoothly for you, but like everything, the universe just had to shit on it.

Actually, it was John's universe.

Their bizarre way of seeing things made you self-conscience about everything. You didn't change, you still referred to yourself as a boy, because you are, and everyone else on your team did too. But as the time of your first face to face meeting grew closer, your anxiety spiked. Your thinkpan was filled with stupid thoughts; you worried obsessively over what John would think of you. Part of you, one small, minuscule part, wanted him to see you like this, and maybe that would throw him off and he'd consider dating you. But then the rest of your mind flew into action and crushed that small thought as soon as it happened. There was no way in hell he'd be treating you like one his earth human females. You're pretty sure you vomited a bit at the thought of him suggesting you wear a dress or calling you a she.

This just simply wasn't an option. So a few weeks before the meet up you decided to start concealing yourself. You took some spare scraps from Kanaya's sewing fabric and bound your chest down. Speaking of Kanaya, she gave you a lengthy lecture about how atrocious the sweaters you made were. You're pretty sure she threatened to burn them all and make you properly fitting shirts. She backed off a bit when you explained your situation.

Thankfully your hair had always been a short and untamable mess and your voice was deep and husky from the start, your constant yelling probably helped. When you met up with John he didn't suspect a thing. Which was pretty fucking great in your opinion.

You hoped that he could get to know you for you and all problems could be avoided. Everything was working nicely, you were still yourself around him, shouting and cussing up a storm, and he was still the adorable dork you remembered. The only part that sucked was having your chest bound for so long, occasionally you'd have to leave it on overnight due to sudden sleepovers.

But minor back pain was a small price to pay to have your idiotic alien co-leader treat you the same. Everything was going amazingly for a while…but…

Did you ever mention how the universe loves to shit on you? Well it does. And it just did.

John Egbert decided to walk in on you while you were changing into sleep wear. All you wanted to do was curl up and die.

\---

You were barely able to squeak out a "Karkat?" Before you found yourself in the hall and blushing like mad. You weren't really sure what you just saw, but you hoped your friend would explain and let you back in. You were pretty sure he just had bandages over his chest, maybe it was an injury? He mentioned that trolls feared being seen when they are weak or vulnerable…maybe this was one of those moments?

After what seemed like hours you knocked on the door, "Hey, uh Karkat…can I come in?" There wasn't a response. "Karkat? Are you ok?" After waiting a few more minutes the door handle jiggled and a clearly distressed troll was standing before you. His ears were down and back, in what looked like a half defensive half scared position.

His voice wavered as he spoke, "C-Come in fuckass. We need to talk."

"Are you ok?" You repeated the question and sat down next to him.

He nodded, then shook his head. You put an arm around him and pulled him close, he seemed even tinier and more fragile than ever. "John…you're older now so I want you to really, really pay attention to what I'm about to tell you. Please." You nodded and gave him a quick squeeze. "I need you to realize that I'm a boy, ok?"

"Yeah, sure dude no problem. I don't see why this is a problem, you're hurt right? And this is some weird alien culture thing about being seen as weak. It's ok, you don't have to hide injuries, I'm cool with it."

 

"No that's not it," he whispered.

"What?"

He said even softer, "I'm not physically what you would call male."

Your breath caught, 'So that was what I thought that was…' "So you're a girl?"

Karkat shoved you away angrily, "No, fuck you. What did I literally just get done saying?"

"That you are a girl…boy?" You didn't get it. "Karkat why were you pretending to be a guy? It's ok, I mean I think girls are pretty awesome! Vriska and Rose are two of the strongest people I know!"

"No you fucktard!" Karkat stood up, "I'm a boy! Forget everything you fucking saw."

"But…I can't. Karkat hiding isn't good, you have to tell everyone."

"I have told everyone," he? She? Growled.

"Then why do you-" Karkat snarled and suddenly you found yourself being thrown out of the room. "Uh Karkat? Hey, come on, let me back in."

"No," came the simple response from the other side.

"Karkat you're being silly. I can't hope to possibly understand you if you don't explain it to me."

"No."

"Karkat-"

"No."

"Karkat!"

You could hear her growling from the other side of the door, then the horrible, piercing sound of claws being dragged down across metal. "Get. The. Fuck. Away. John."

"Why should I? You're being immature Karkat! I don't care that you're a girl! Were you doing this because you were afraid I wouldn't think girls could be leaders?"

"No! I was never hiding! I was never fucking doing that for some shit reason like that! Goddamn it Egbert can't you fucking understand?"

"No I don't understand! I don't understand because none of this makes sense to me. Your body is female but you told me you were a guy! You lied to me!"

You were pretty sure the sounds coming from behind the door weren't human. But the next lines she said were, "I never lied to you asshole. I've never once told you a fucking lie. Not once."

"Bullshit!" You yelled back.

The growling returned and you were almost certain she was going tear right through that door and kill you. "I said go the fuck away John." There was a nasty snarl thrown at the end of that. "Get away from me and never show you stupid worthless face around me again."

Quickly you fled, there was no point in angering her further. Karkat could actually rip your throat out if she wanted to. It was clear that conversations between the two of you would be difficult; she blocked you on Pesterchum and avoided you whenever possible. After a few days of being ignored you decided to go hunting for answers yourself. The way things were going you wouldn't be surprised if you ever spoke to him again. There was a fear that maybe your friendship would be over for good. You didn't want that, you didn't want the last thing you said to Karkat to be part of an argument.

You walked into the main living area and greeted Kanaya and Rose. "Hey Kanaya, have you seen Karkat anywhere? I can't seem to find her…" You looked around worriedly, "She hasn't been talking to me lately…do you know what's up?"

Kanaya's eyes widened slightly and Rose looked thoroughly confused. "Perhaps he is avoiding you because you are using the wrong pronouns?"

"But…Karkat's a girl right? She's not really a boy, she was just pretending around me right?"

Rose spoke up, "I was unaware of any qualities that would make me consider Karkat as anything other than male. Are you sure John?"

"I walked in on her changing; she had bandages over her chest." You sat down and rubbed your forehead. "I don't get it, Karkat said she was a girl, but she was hiding it from me…why would she do that?"

"Are you certain that's what he said?" Kanaya asked again. "He told you was a girl?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, she said she was a boy I guess. But physically…she's so small, and has…you know…breasts."

Rose looked over at Kanaya; she leaned forward and whispered to her friend, "Is Karkat a transgender individual by chance?"

The vampire troll looked back at Rose, "No. While I am familiar with the term, it doesn't really apply to trolls."

You attempted to insert yourself back into the conversation. "So, what's up with her? What's wrong? Should I be saying 'he'? Kanaya help me out here."

She opened her mouth, then shut it before opening it again and saying, "This is really something rather personal to Karkat, and I think you should talk with him about it." You were going to argue that you tried before she cut you off, "It may not have gone that well because he was embarrassed and maybe a bit afraid."

"Seemed more angry to me…" You grumbled.

"Be patient and let him explain everything to you," She paused, "and don't piss him off anymore, he might not ever speak to you again."

On that note you left the two girls and stood awkwardly by Karkat's door. "Hey, uh, Karkat?" You called through the metal door. "So…do you…you know, want to talk? Or at least watch a movie or something? Please?"

There was silence on the other side and you were about to give up and search for her elsewhere when you heard grumbling and growling. "I swear to god you are the most wretched and pitiful excuse for life on this godforsaken asteroid. I don't even know why I fucking bother being friends with you shitstain." Karkat opened the door and glared at you, "What in the ever-loving fuck do you want?"

She was pissed, yup, definitely pissed, but you could deal with pissed, Karkat was always a little rough around the edges. "I just wanted to talk. Or hang out, or maybe watch a movie? I promise I won't do anything stupid. I'm really sorry about last time we spoke…I just want to talk to you again."

She continued to glare at you and growled a little. "Fine. Whatever. Get your pale ass in here." She hesitated before adding, "I'm sorry too. I went off on you and you didn't deserve it." You sat awkwardly next to her on her bed, "Why the fuck are you so jumpy?"

"Well…because…this is sorta weird now, maybe?" Your words were weak and you were afraid of stepping on Karkat's already short nerves.

"No, you moron, this isn't 'weird'. It's only 'weird' because you make it 'weird."

"Karkat do you really have to use all those air quotes?" You looked up at her and tried to smile, but your eyes got distracted by her chest. It was flat again, no visible bulge at all.

"Yes I do. Your thinkpan is so small and underdeveloped that you actually believe there could be anything that would even remotely be weird." She growled and fumbled for the remote for the TV.

"So…uh, are you still mad at me?"

"Depends, do you still walk around calling me a she?"

"Well…you are a girl…so yeah? I guess…" You glanced over her face trying to read her expression.

Karkat was hard to decipher. She was frowning, but her eyes were pretty blank. There was a deep sigh and she said, "Listen idiot, and listen good. When I said I was a boy I meant it. I'm not joking, or hiding, or pretending, or whatever else you seem to think of."

"C-Can you explain a bit better? I mean…are you one of those people I heard about on TV, the people who are born in the wrong body or something?"

"No." Karkat added, "John there's some shit you have to just know about Alternia and the trolls that live there. First off you need to somehow process the difference between sex and gender. They're not the same nookwhiff. It doesn't help that trolls don't have different sex organs, we're all the same. Next you need to understand that Alterians don't give a single fuck about gender. It's really as simple as stating what you are and moving on with your life."

'Wait…trolls are like hermaphrodites or something? Oh gosh, you'll have to ask more about that later…' "But...you hide your boobs right?"

She faceplamed and snarled, "Fuck, I knew that would come up. Listen, I'm pretty much accepted by all the other trolls as male, there's no fucking reason anyone here should give a rats ass if I have breasts or not. All it is a different body type." She paused, "But you…well not just you, humans in general, seem to think that the differences between girls and boys is all in the appearance. So I made my appearance fit what you deem socially correct to my gender."

"You're only doing this because of me?"

"Yes. Because I knew you'd react as you did."

You were silent for a long time. "You shouldn't have to do that Karkat."

"Yeah well I do."

"No, you don't. I'm sure that's not comfortable…"

She growled at you again, "Do you think I give a single fuck about comfort? I want my friend to stop seeing me for my appearance and see me for me. I highly doubt that can be accomplished if you're staring at my chest all the damn time."

Your cheeks definitely turned red. "I…Sorry Karkat…this is so sudden…how am I supposed to…"

"John, you're way overthinking this."

"But-"

"John. Shut up. Let's just watch a movie or something. I'm sure your primitive thinkpan will figure it out soon."

Very quietly you asked one last question, "So…I uh, shouldn't call you a she, right?"

You watched her mouth twitch in a quick smile. "Yeah, you should avoid doing that." She-he looked over at you, "wiggler steps John, you're making wiggler steps."

"I have no idea what that means Karkat."

He laughed and told you to watch the movie.

You have to admit, it was sorta weird being around Karkat. You know he's technically a she…and you're not sure how to handle that. He says he fine, and he says he's a boy. But…is he sure? Maybe he's just confused…is that an insult to him? He couldn't have been confused since he was born…

In the end you found yourself thinking more about Karkat than the movie and before you knew it you were wandering the halls back to you room. It didn't help at all that you still sorta had some feelings for him? You didn't stop having those.

\---

As mentioned before, John is an idiot. You can't believe he wandered around the whole asteroid calling you by female pronouns. Well, actually, maybe you can. Your explanation about the situation wasn't exactly top notch. In fact, all you did was make a half assed attempt at explaining yourself then you got angry and threw him out. Ok, you might have been a little afraid too, but only a little.

John was your friend, one of the only people you actually felt comfortable talking to. But now...now you're not even sure you can hold a conversation with him without running away. Perhaps you should bite the bullet and talk to him, explain yourself better, maybe try to not yell so much. There's a lot riding on this, not only your friendship, but any other kind of relationships as well.

There was a knock at your door and John's pitiful voice called from the other side. For some reason you decided to open that door and give him the chance you know you both wanted to give. He didn't get it, that's for sure. You felt like maybe he was slowly beginning to understand but he wasn't all the way there yet. At least he started calling you a boy again.

The other humans didn't notice or seem to care about what happened between you and John. You were pretty sure Dave had an idea and Rose for sure knew everything, she always fucking knew everything.

Egbert was still skittish around you. He would flinch when you touched him and get flustered when you were close. It bothered you, of course it did. You know he's thinking about your body type and not you, his mind is obviously preoccupied with thoughts that really shouldn't be there. There was one day when you were both watching another of your romcoms when out of the blue John commented, "Hey Karkat, I bet that skirt would look pretty good on you."

"And I'm willing to bet a million boon dollars it wouldn't."

"Oh come on Karkat, lighten up! I was only trying to get you to embrace your feminine side a bit." There was no way in hell you were suppressing the snarl that emanated from your throat. He recoiled and hastily apologized, "I'm sorry! Karkat I was only trying to…"

"Don't. It's ok. Sorry I growled." Your eyes were trained on the screen. "There is no 'feminine side'."

"S-Sorry…" He looked so confused; it actually hurt you pretty bad to see him so upset. You were the one who was just insulted, why the fuck are you caring about him? You didn't have the answers for that. Maybe there was really only one way to show him that you hadn't changed at all. Not one tiny bit.

You figured kicking his ass real quick would show him you haven't changed even an iota.

He let out a surprised yelp when you tackled him and pinned him to the bed. "I-I said I was sorry!"

"Oh my god you're retarded I swear. I. Don't. Fucking. Care." You smirked, but stopped out of worry that it would look too vicious with your teeth. "I want my friend back John. I want the stupid human who would try to match me in strength and fail miserably every time. I need that friend John. I need you back." John's expression was shifting from one of shock and fear to one of smugness. "So, do you want to see if you can beat me this time?"

"I've already won!" He shouted and blew a gust of wind to knock you off balance. John swiftly flipped you over and tried to press a knee to your back. Instead you ended up twisting your body beneath him and breaking free. You pulled him down and the two of you rolled around each trying to overpower the other. Of course you'd win, you always win. His voice raised about an octave when you were a little rough with your hands and forgot about your claws. "Hey Karkat no claws! It's not fair!" You had him pinned and were lying across his chest. You apologized and flicked your tongue over small bit of red that stained your yellow claws. "That's so gross dude."

There was that smirk again and you said quietly, "You can call me a dude when I'm kicking your ass, but not when we watch movies together? I'm not any different. Can you please understand that? I even said the human courtesy word for a request."

He laughed and grinned, those stupid buck teeth sticking out from his lips. "Yeah, I think I can. But," he added as a bit of an afterthought, "If I slip up can you please not rip my throat out?"

You head-butted him gently with your horns, "I'll think about it."

"Karkat!" He whined and laughed shoving you off.

You laughed too and punched him softly on the arm. "So you're good to go now right? No more 'weirdness'?"

He nodded. "Hey uh, Karkat…can I ask one more thing?"

"If I say no you'll still ask, or find Kanaya. What is it?" You were actually pretty happy he was asking you stuff, you weren't prepared at first, but now maybe you are.

"Well…you said before that all the trolls already knew about you, so why did you hide from me? There has to be more of a reason…"

You took a deep breath and gulped, "Well…I know you're not a homosexual John. And you know…I still have some feelings about you. Don't worry, they're not black anymore. But…" you paused, "well…I didn't want you to see my body type and think, 'well you're not really a boy so it doesn't count' and say yes. When and if I ever got to the point of asking you to fill one of my quadrants, I wanted it to be because of me…and not because of what my body looks like."

John looked over and smiled a bit, "So…you like me?"

"For a while I wanted to punch your brains out, but yeah I do."

"Oh…well…that's good to uh, know."

"Of course you don't have be worried, I'm not going to make any moves on you or anything. I mean…I respect your cultures stupid way of choosing a mate. I just…wanted to make sure you knew I was a boy and not a girl."

"Yeah…ok. Hey Karkat? One more question…how did you figure out you were a boy when you were clearly a girl?"

You laughed and sat up, "Trolls are born as grubs, literally little bugs with humanoid faces." John went a bit pale and stuck his tongue out. "We pupate into this form, and then we grow up like regular humans. But when we're little we decide what type of personality fits us the best, we basically just choose a gender. It isn't until we're way older; about five sweeps old that our body type actually shows through. Most trolls correctly pick a gender to match their type; I just wasn't one of them. In our society there is pretty much no value to gender, so it didn't really matter that my body type didn't match. Does that make any sense to you?"

John nodded a bit, "So…you chose boy and your body turned out to be girl?"

"To put it simply, yeah. It's not really that big of a deal. In fact, I'm willing to bet that if I didn't fuck up the game and kill almost every troll that our species would drop the different body types all together. Most of us look pretty gender neutral anyways." You watched John nod and smile a bit. "Are you out of questions now? Since I pretty much not only confessed to you but also gave you a history lesson, your thinkpan must be fried."

"Hahaha Karkat give me some credit here!" He sat up, "So uh…does this hurt?" He placed a careful hand on your chest. You could tell he was still a bit flustered and a small blush crept up on his cheeks.

"A bit, sometimes. I don't really fucking mind though, trolls are tough. I'll live."

He let his hand fall away, "Would you ever consider not binding around me? Or the others?"

You didn't really have an answer, you suppose you could, it wouldn't kill you. "I'm not sure. Maybe, I don't know."

"You said you went your whole life without hiding…you shouldn't have to start now."

"Yeah, I know that. But right now, it's what makes me comfortable so don't worry."

He moved a bit closer to you, "You know, Karkat…I sorta like you too. A little." You didn't mean to chuckle at his serious tone but you did. "Hey! I'm not trying to be funny, or you know…say that I like you because you're a girl troll. I actually started to feel that way before I you know…walked in on you one day."

You pulled his head close to yours. "It's ok John, you don't have to explain yourself to me… Just, let's not move too fast ok? We talked about a lot of shit today. Give yourself time to process everything."

"Does it really matter what your body looks like then? I guess in the end, it doesn't right?"

You nodded hugged him.

"I'm glad we're still friends…I was really worried we wouldn't be…"

"Yeah, I'm glad too."

\---

"Hey Rose…can I have some help?"

Your friend turned and greeted you, "Yes of course John. What do you need assistance with?"

"Well…I want to do something nice for Karkat. He's been really nice to me and forgave all the dumb stuff I tried to do."

"Ok, what do you want to do for him?"

"Well…I don't know if you knew this or not, but he sorta binds his breasts down…you know…to fit in and stuff around us humans. I think it's kinda stupid, but he refuses to stop now that he's started. So I was wondering if you'd maybe help me make something more comfortable for him?"

"Yes of course, I'd love to help you John. That's a very sweet thing for you to do for him." She opened her computer and began running some searches on the type of materials you'd need.

"I uh, already did some of this," you told her while she was browsing the lists of fabrics and materials that went into chest binders for humans.

"Oh, is that so?" You nodded. "Ok then, I see you're pretty prepared." You nod again. "John, do you like Karkat?"

"W-What? Of course I do! I mean, I like him as a friend, and uh…" You rubbed the back of your head. "Maybe as a bit more too? I don't know…Karkat said not to rush into anything."

"He's smart. Now, do you actually have his measurements? We'll need those to make sure this fits."

"No, but I have some ideas for this…"

\---

Surprisingly John went right back to how he was before. He was still a dorky, adorable, stupid human but he was your friend. His company was way the fuck better than Gamzee's and he was always eager to spar with you or watch movies until your ocular globes fell out of their sockets.

There was one day where he proved that he was a great friend that you don't think you could ever replace. He entered your room on your normal movie night; only instead of popcorn he was caring a small package. "Hey Karkat, I hope you don't mind, but I got you something…"

You took the small parcel from him and stared at it, "Why did you get me a gift?"

"You're supposed to say thank you…" He smiled and watched as you put the tip of your claw to the wrapping paper. It tore away to reveal what looked like a normal sports bra to you. "Before you jump to conclusions…it's actually a binder…"

You ran a hand over it and felt the stiffer parts.

"I thought that it would be nice if you had something more comfortable to bind with…since you seem to want to continue doing it…" He paused and added sheepishly, "I uh, didn't know your size, so if you look on the side it actually has Velcro, so you can adjust it to be as tight or as loose as you want. If it doesn't fit I can make it smaller, or ask Rose to help me make it bigger…"

For the first time in a long while you were actually speechless. "You made this? For me?" The human nodded. "I…John, thank you."

"You're welcome, Karkat. Do you want to…I dunno, try it on?" You nodded and turned your back on John, within seconds your shirt was flung to the side and you started undoing the various safety pins that held the fabric strips tight across your chest. "Uh, Karkat…should I leave?"

"Why bother? We're both boys here."

"I…yeah I guess." He replied laughing softly.

The homemade binder fit perfectly, you were actually really surprised. After adjusting it you turned back to face John. "It fits perfectly, thank you, again."

You watched a smile spread across John's face. "No problem! I'm glad you like it." He stood up and hugged you, "I wanted to show you that I care."

Somehow your fingers curled into his hair and he was kissing you softly. "John Egbert," your voice was barely above a whisper, "you are amazing."

"No I'm not," he disagreed, "but I try."

You rested your forehead against his and stared into his eyes. "Hey bulgelicker, do you want to…well, would you consider being my Matesprit?"

"Yeah, of course I'd be your boyfriend Karkat." He smiled bigger, "After you told me all that stuff about Alternia, I decided that gender doesn't matter to me either. Love is about who you're with, and that's it."

"So it is possible to teach you something, it's a miracle, someone stop the presses, we need to print this fucking story instead of the shitty one before it. Extra, extra, read all about it, John Egbert finally realizes that love is about more than physical appearance."

He laughed and pulled you to the bed, "Have you been hanging out with Dave? That almost sounded like something he'd say!"

"Shut up and kiss me again."

\---

Karkat has what Rose calls moments of dysphoria, basically, even though he has been fine with his body for so long sometimes he hates it and it makes him really anxious and angry. You've been with him for some of these moments, and they tug at your heart. It's hard to see him suffering.

There was one night where he laid next to you and stared into your eyes. He said something to you in a voice that was barely above a whisper. "Why can't we match John? Why can't I just fucking match you?"

It also hurts to know that he wouldn't be experiencing this if he had never met you or any other human. He was fine until he was given the option of hiding the part of his body that made him different. He was fine until you showed up and put the idea in his head that he wasn't right. It's not like you purposely did, but it ended up being your fault anyway. At least, that's what you think.

He would cry a lot, and cling to you and curse. Some days it was really bad. All you could do was hold him and be there for him. You would tell him over and over again that he was fine, and that there was nothing wrong with how he looks. Gently you'd remind him that he was a troll, a strong Alternian, and that Alternians didn't care about things like body type or gender.

Usually that helped calm him down and he would lean against you and apologize. He didn't need to apologize, he never needed to apologize. He was perfect, and you made sure to tell him that every day.

\---

John was basically the best Matesprit you could ever ask for. He is so patient with you, so caring. After he got over his stupid brain he was ready to deal with your stupid thinkpan. You can't count how many times he sat with you and reassured you that he'd always be there for you. He was perfect, the best you could have ever hoped for.

Even after the stupid game was over and you owned a hive together he was still with you. He was still standing proudly next to you. It was the best feeling you could have ever hoped for.

~~~

Normally John stops at kissing before things get too heavy, he was naturally worried about having sex with a troll, you are stronger than him and have claws and sharp teeth. However, he was also concerned about triggering you. John didn't want to hurt you during something that was supposed to be special. Did you ever mention how fucking perfect this human was?

There was one night though, it was after a movie and you were both lying in bed, he had long since coaxed you out of a recuperacoon. Sleeping next to him was better than sopor slime. But that was beside the point. This night was different.

It started as sloppy make outs, like most nights do, but this time he looked at you with nervous, but pleading eyes. "Karkat…can tonight be the night that we…move forward?"

You nodded and kissed him softly, "Yeah, we can." Carefully you removed his shirt and he did yours. Long ago you explained the ridges on your side to John; it's not like he waited this long to feel you up. It was amusing watching his reaction, but then he remembered you started off as a bug. He giggled when your cold hands ran up his back.

"Do you want to…" He pointed at you binder.

"I…S-Sure…" You're not quite sure why you're stuttering. In fact tonight you were confident, tonight you proud of both yourself and the Matesprit you had in front of you. You pulled the Velcro off and slipped the binder off. You're aware that John has never actually seen your chest. He looks down and seemed every bit as embarrassed as you were. "They're not like human breasts; basically on trolls they only serve the function of extra protection to your chest. It's mainly fat and muscle. That's why I don't have your silly mammalian chest nubs." John laughed and you were glad the awkwardness was down a bit.

After another session of kissing John slipped his hands onto your pants. "It's ok, right?" John was so cautious around you. He had been with you long enough to know all the sounds you made and every piece of body language. You purred against his neck and he awkwardly fumbled with you pants.

"I'm warning you now; trolls are well…really different from humans…"

"I'm aware, I'm the one who took the risk and became Matesprits with the troll boy I met online." You chuckled and he removed his pants and you were both sitting in your boxers. "So uh…this is it, isn't' it?"

"If you're ready for it to be…"

"I am, I think we both are." John gently slipped the rim of your boxers down and gasped a bit. You didn't know if you should run and hide or stand your ground. Your bulge was out, that was no secret, but John was just staring at it. "So…uh, that's definitely male…" You laughed amused and kissed him again softly.

"So, are you going to show me yours?" You didn't think John's face could get any redder.

***

To say the least you were a little freaked out. But it was ok; Karkat's bonebulge was actually more like a funny tentacle penis. But you made it work.

When you were finished there was nothing quite like lying next to the boy you loved. You and Karkat had been through a hell of a lot. Both emotionally and physically. The game was more than enough of a challenge; you were ready for everything to get easy. But, you knew that no relationship is trouble free.

You combed Karkat's hair back with your hand. He was purring softly and snuggled close to your chest. God he was so amazing. He always says he's the lucky one, but really, it's you.

Karkat says he has his final pupation coming up. The one where he finally emerges as an adult troll. It's been a long wait for him; he's the last out of his group at ten sweeps old. He told you that when he goes through it he might be gone for weeks, maybe months. He also said there's a slight chance that he'll shed his female body type too. He said it's rare, but it could happen. Ever since he told you you've prayed for that outcome.

Loving an alien is hard, there's cultural differences you don't understand, and of course the physical differences too. But you know it's been worth it. There's no other person like Karkat. There's no one that's as strong as he is.

"Hey Karkat, are you sleeping?"

"No nookwhiff, but you should be." He nuzzled into your neck and smiled.

"I love you." You said simple words he'd never grow tired of hearing.

"Me too." He grabbed you around the waist and pulled you closer. You pretty much wanted to stay like that forever.

**Author's Note:**

> I was still really hesitant about posting this in other places besides my DA.  
> This is a touchy topic for a lot of people...and I was really worried that I'd offend or worse, trigger people.
> 
> I wrote this mainly for myself, I power typed it in almost one sitting due to a sudden wave of feelings. But I got convinced to post it so I edited the ending to make it a bit more happier and less of a downer. 
> 
> I apologize if there are typos or misspells. Please let me know. I don't want to fuck up a fic about this with stupid things like spelling errors. 
> 
> I've also loved the idea that trolls are the same when it comes to reproductive organs and only differ in body types. And I have two headcanons, one is the one in this fic and the other is that the troll chooses what to gender to be and their body expresses it. Or I guess a third would be they all look gender neutral and the only difference is in clothing style and personal behavior. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you liked it.


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